You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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