I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
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I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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