Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
