The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
