I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
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If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
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Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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