now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
