Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
