i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
