just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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