it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
