WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
