I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
