Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
