if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
There's always time for handjobs
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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