Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
