if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
