then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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