Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
