Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
