I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
