Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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