I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
