I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
