We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
