Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
