I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
