the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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