i was rollin on her like bob the builder
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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