I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
