mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
