Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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