I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
