I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
