I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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