there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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