Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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