It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
