i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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