when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
