Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
