that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
my poor anus
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
