Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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