If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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