why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Randomize
