i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Everyone says I win the strip club
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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