The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
