Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I look better un-naked...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
