I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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