2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
