The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
