just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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