If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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