I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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