Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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