you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
